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Navigating Conflict

Exploring conflict management technics has been a kind of pass time for me. Last year I led an educational session for managing conflict within organizations. Many of us run for cover at the first sign of an agrument, and I used to be one of those people. Others run into conflict headlong, looking to plant their flag on whatever they consider to be the moral highgound, refusing to budge.

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Now, it should be obvious that the best method lies somewhere in the middle. During any conflict, it’s best to give any extreem a wide birth. But there’s more we should keep in mind when neavigatinge conflict.

Conflict it isn’t necessarily bad. That’s right, conflict within any relationship or organization is not necessarily an indication of sickness. Just the opisite, we experience conflict because that which was once in agreement between two or more people is now in dispute. These disputes arise because we differ in our understanding of the situation. We differ because we have either grown in our understading, or we are exploring a new a facet of the relationship we have yet to explore. In either situation, we are demonstrating that our relationship is experiencing growth. It means we are different that we were before.

Nevertheless, if we do not address conflict in a timely manner it will eat away at our organizations and relationships until they are unreparable.

There are lots of excellent guides for navigating conflict, but good conflict resolution skills are developed through practice. The success of our churches, careers, friendships and family relationships depend on our ability to do conflict well.

For more resources on conflict resolution check my Prezi which uses cartoon characters as teaching tools.

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Seek first to understand

I would like to continue to explore some life lessons from the last four years of college. The proverb I will discuss derives from a catholic prayer which made it way into United States churches in the early part of the 20th Century.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, harmony;
Where there is error, truth;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

This particular prayer has had a great influence on my own life, and it is the emphasis on understanding which I take most to heart. Just as this prayer operates first in negation, then in affirmation, it is helpful for us to discuss what understanding is not, in order to make sense of proverb.

Understanding is not knowledge. Knowledge is a terminal activity of the mind, and in its pursuit mankind looks for singular answers to singular problems.

On the other hand, the pursuit of understanding is limitless and elusive. It is an activity of the mind and soul in which a person’s worldview is continually reshaped around the experience and stories of others. We as Christians must make a good faith attempt at understanding, while also acknowledging that we can never completely understand another’s circumstances. It is a strange paradox, but any grief counselor worth his or her stock will undoubtedly affirm, there should be great hesitation for any of us to say “I know how you feel.”

Nevertheless, we must humbly seek to understand the worldview of others as an activity of holy peacemaking and reconcilation. To seek understanding first is to be quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19). It is to allow others the more prestigious seat at the heavenly banquet in full assurance that the truth of Christ will win out in the end. This does not mean we accommodate falsity or compromise the truth, nor does it mean we remain silent in the face of injustice. However, it does mean that we first look for the truth of Christ in others, before we assume we have all the answers.

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Ten Kernals of Wisdom

It has been over a week since I walked across the stage at Campbell University Commencement. I throughly enjoyed my time in undergrad, and I am looking forward eagerly to seminary in Atlanta and starting work in ministry with Northside UMC.

As I move forward in life, I’d like to share some brief proverbs that I took from my undergrad expirence. I treasure these saysing, though for most of them I cannot recall their initial orgin. These short maxims have cemented in my thoughts, and I can only assume that they are truths which God thought I needed to learn. So, here we go: Continue reading “Ten Kernals of Wisdom”

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Exam Week: What’s the goal?

Thankfully, I am done with my final exams, but most college students still have a few days until they reach the finishline. My brother, a a student at NCSU, is one of those still in the trenches studying. He told me recently that he had heard more ambulances on campus during this time than any other. Most of those emergency calls were for panic attacks.

Research has shown that anxiety and depression among young people is at an all time high, and has been rising steadily since the early 19th century. As someone who has experience with mental illness, the steady rise in psychological disorders is shocking, but not suprising. Many college studnts have had to negotiate the this problem with counseling and medication. It is a real biological problem, but not without societal factors.

Research has identified two societal causes for this problem: Decline in Young People’s Sense of Personal Control over their Fate and the Shift Toward Extrinsic Goals, away from Intrinsic Goals. Young people do not feel like they have any control of their fate coupled with societal pressure to excel in culture which prizes money, power, and accomplishments.

In a post from Peter Gray from Psychology Today puts it this way:

The shift toward extrinsic goals could well be related causally to the shift toward an External locus of control. We have much less personal control over achievement of extrinsic goals than intrinsic goals. I can, through personal effort, quite definitely improve my competence, but that doesn’t guarantee that I’ll get rich. I can, through spiritual practices or philosophical delving, find my own sense of meaning in life, but that doesn’t guarantee that people will find me more attractive or lavish praise on me.

In short, we are laying up treasure here on earth. In Matthew 6, Jesus warns us against exactly that. Instead, he tells us to store our treasure with him in heaven “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Matthew 6:21).” We must relinquish the external goals, and focus on the internal goals of our own spiritual formantion. It’s impossible to quantify our faith. We cannot, or should not, parade our spiritual maturity around like a trophy or work promotion. But that’s exactly what our society does not offer. Only through knowledge of Jesus Christ and the leading of the Holy Spirit can we meet the intrinsic goals and find internal peace. So we must press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14 ESV).

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What is in a Name?

(Originally Drafted Fall of 2013)

I love unique names. Not necessarily my unique name, but I like that names can hold meaning. Whenever I hear a name that I like, whether it’s because it holds sentimental meaning or translates to a beautiful concept, I take special note of the name. I log it into the deep recesses of my brain where it may manifest itself again as the name of a beloved pet.

In regards to names Shakespeare’s star crossed lover Juliet says that “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” Though I hesitate to contradict such an infamous sentiment, I don’t think is quite true. I tend to believe names are more than a symbolic representation of the self.

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Take Vivian for example. She is an international student from Malaysia who is a part of our TV production class. Vivian is quiet and sweet and is always apologizing about her poor English. Over the course of the semester we started calling her “Viv” and then eventually “the Viv.” One planning class, the names of all the students were being written on the white board so they’d know what to do for the next class. When Vivian’s name was written on the board in it’s entirety she asked us to change it to Viv. She confessed that it was her first nickname ever, and she really liked it. I guess when you’re half a world away from home a bunch of people calling you Viv can make you feel loved.

Wishing you Grace and Peace,

-Kena

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Have a Nice Life?

In less than a week I will make the terrifying transition from undergrad to college graduate. I have very much enjoyed my time in undergrad, and I’ve pretty much checked everything off college bucket list. Still, over the last few weeks I have paused numerous time during some activity to entertain a mini-panic attack about the futue.

Curiously, the comment from other which most often ignites my anxiety is this: Have a nice life.

I have been greeted with this salutation several times, and I find it ominous and overwhelming. Have I not had a nice life so far? Have I not started living so far? Is this person going to look in to see if I’m having a nice life.

It’s not so much that I am worried about the quality of my life as I am worried about the quality of my relationship with these people. We will go from seeing each other everyday to possibly never seeing each other again. Honetly, we’re no good at goodbyes.

I wish I was less intimidated to express my appreciation for these people. How blessed I felt to see them each day and how much I hope to see them again. We are a guarded society, emotion is seen as weakness, and that’s a shame.

I hope to write more as I work through the many changes I will go through over the next few months. Nothing interesting, just writing practice and chronicling my thoughts.

Wishing you Grace and Peace,

-Kena

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A Positive Approach

“It’s hard to believe that the greatest division in American politics these days is ‘pro-‘ or ‘anti-Chick-fil-A.'”

This is not the well reasoned, disillusioned thought of a seasoned theologian or pastor, but a tweet from late-night talk show host Conan O’Brian. And yeah, I agree. It is hard to believe.

Chick-fil-A reported record breaking sales yesterday in support of President Dan Cathy’s belief in traditional hetero-sexual marriage. “We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit,” the President told CNN. “We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that.”

Regardless of how it came about, people began to associate the restuaunt with the anti-gay marriage movement (or pro-traditional marriage), and everyone has been taking sides. The result was my Facebook, Twitter and even Instagram feeds filled with updates and photos of that delicious, tender chicken sandwich.

And as delicious as their chicken is, something just doesn’t seem right.

For a lot of us, the problem is we’re all out looking for a fight. We want to take a side,stand up for what we believe in and go to battle for Jesus. Besides, the fight is already among us. There’s no choice but to pick our weapon (either sandwich or sandwich board) and join the fight!

For Christian’s especially this is a problem. Believe it or not there are God-fearing, Bible-believing, Once-was-blind-but-now-I’m-seeing people on both sides of the gay marriage debate. Real people with logic, reason, experience, intelligence and credibility. And both sides want to fight for Jesus and the Bible and people and family.

In 2 Timothy, Paul says time and again to is protege Timothy to avoid this kind of fighting. “Have nothing to do with ignorant controversies,” he says, “you know that they breed quarrels.” Gay Marriage is a real issue. It calls into question our understanding of Jesus and the Bible and the government and countless other things. But to think this problem is solved, or even helped by eating a sandwich is absurd.

In the mists of all this chaos, I’m reminded time and again of that tender question “what would Jesus do?” And although, a number one combo is technically kosher, I’m just not convinced that is the course of action he’d take. I think there is a better option here. I think if we take just a moment, breath deep, and don’t let ourselves get swept up in the madness we can begin to see some middle ground. Or at the very least, some common ground.

Despite the polarization and animosity in America, and all too often in Christianity today, I still have hope for creative peace making. We all share a common humanity. The people inside and outside the Chick-fil-A are all people, just like you and me. We’re all people who need food, and shelter, and love. And for far to many of us even those common everyday things are hard to come by.

We need a reorientation. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never solved a problem with someone while they were on the opposite side of the highway from me. I have solved problems by working with others, side-by-side together.

I am a better person for the people I’ve known. For the experiences, opinions and stories others have shared with me and we have shared together. I believe that working together to serve the common good we can find some common ground. If we could put aside what divides for just a moment we could begin to see what unites us.

If you are interested, some friends of the Union Mission in Roanoke Rapids, NC are trying to turn this negative into a positive. They’ve asked people to donate $6, roughly the cost of a Chick-fil-A combo to support of their homeless and food ministries. Perhaps this will spark your own idea for creative peace making. If you are interested the link is below.

http://www.facebook.com/events/271066759662009/

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Freedom

This summer certainly has had theme. This has been one of those seasons of life where God has definitely been trying to teach me something. It began with a term paper I wrote back in the spring. I daringly chose to discuss the theology of the Declaration of Independence. Also, in my Ethics class we discussed the the topic of freedom as part of the Christian ethical system. Then the church I have been interning at this summer has had the over arching theme of freedom guiding its Bible studies, ministries and worship services.

All that is to say, I’ve thought, talked, and heard a lot about freedom. And it’s something that we need to examine. Long before the School House Rock taught us all about the “Shot Heard ‘Round the World,” people were talking about freedom. The American Founding Father’s didn’t actually invent it. But, consider what political freedom actually is. What do the talking heads mean when they say they want freedom for a country or for the American people?

At the heart of every definition of freedom is choice. The ability to be responsible for our own lives.

In our individualistic, materialistic culture that choice means the right to chose Pepsi or Coke, paper or plastic, Democrat or Republican. It’s a smorgasbord type freedom which takes us through life like a buffet; we take what we want because it satisfies in the moment. And hey, it’s a free country.  At the end of the day when you’re on the couch having eaten 2 plate fulls of what felt good an hour ago at “Big Pet’s All You Can Eat” chances are you’re not going to feel very free. It leads us to read “the Pursuit of Happiness” as “the pursuit of whatever I feel like” or “the pursuit of whatever idea or goal I have at whatever expense.” That’s not freedom.

“The Pursuit of Happiness” is not whatever I feel like or want. It’s not the Lexis or promotion. It’s the end at which all life aims. It’s why we’re all here on earth. It’s what we’re all striving for.

As Paul Wadell explains in his book Happiness and the Christian Moral Life, our political, social and economic systems give us the capacity for freedom. They are the structure that allow us to chose, but those choices can lead us right back to a spiritual slavery if we’re not careful.  They do not formulate the Virtue of Freedom.

In his book Wadell asks “who is the freest person you know?”  Jesus is the freest person I know. Free from death and shame and sin. And when we follow him we chose a life not of Pepsi, paper and Republican, but of self-sacrificing service and humble devotion to God.

For the Christian, freedom is not just the ability to chose, but is a virtue practiced and perfected in community as we love one another and love God. We need freedom. It is the key to our dignity and person-hood, and true freedom is only found in following Jesus. And in that freedom there is Joy.

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Blessed are the Poor in Spirit

I am interning at First Baptist Church in Asheville this summer. This is my homily for the Wednesday chapel service. There are so many things that I would say different, but I’m glad that I did it. The summer series is based around the beatitudes, and saints or other spiritual figures are matched with the passage. My verse was “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven,” Matthew 5:3 paired with St. Francis of Assisi.

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit — St. Francis of Assisi

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But to Serve

When I consider the term poverty in spirit I am reminded of my Grandmother.
My grandmother was the picture of humility. Always, meek and eager to help. She led a simple life of devotion in the isolation of a ranch in West Texas. She attended a church of less than twenty-five people situated between two massive properties. She was the only member of the tiny church who was not related to one of the two families which owned the sounding property. This was where her funeral was held.

I remember the moment when I realized she was going to die. She had been battling cancer for some time, and for a while things were looking good. It was Christmas Day and we had just finished a late dinner. We had opened presents with all the extended family, and the combination of shredded wrapping paper and dirty dishes created an environment that testified to the excitement of the day. I absentmindedly began to clean up along with my aunts, and I realized my grandmother was resting on the couch. She wasn’t helping us clean. For a moment I was confused. She was always the first to serve and looked for anyway to help even when she was tired. I remember her washing dishes, changing dipper, watching children cleaning floors all without ever being asked. Why wasn’t she helping us now? Then I realized she was too sick to help. She could no longer serve the ones she loved. Although we eagerly longed to serve her especially in her hour of greatest need, that is not what she lived for. She lived to not to be served but to serve, and her health had robed that from her. A few months later she died surrounded by her daughters. It was a tender, bitter-sweet moment when she left us to be with Jesus. She had no more work here with us, but I know she is serving her master in heaven.