Relationships – Kena Hawkins Newkirk

July 26, 2017July 28, 2017

Better Than I Am

One of the books that convinced me to go into ministry is entitled This Odd and Wondrous Calling by Lillian Daniel and Martin Copenhaver. In the book, two preachers go back-and-forth talking about what it's like to go through the day-to-day work of ministry. My favorite chapter is entitled "Made Better Than I Am."

In the chapter, Copenhaver reflects on how ministry has forced him to be a better version of himself. He confesses that he does not always want to do the right thing or say the right thing. Sometimes, he wishes he could be petty or make a quip at somebody else's expense. However, ministry has frequently been described as living in a fishbowl with everyone keeping an eye on you. Copenhaver's roll as pastor has forced him to newer heights of spiritual maturity because parishioners are always watching.

Held to a higher standard, he would occasionally grow weary of what others expected of him, but he never grew to resent his situation. Instead, his "job" forced him to cultivate holy habits because he could not run away when it come time to pray in a hospital room or spend time with a difficult church member.

I find it interesting because he confesses that being in ministry makes you have to strive to be somebody else, somebody better than who you actually are, and that by pretending to be better than you actually become better. By striving to meet the expectations of others a minister is compelled to act in a manner worthy of their calling.

I didn't think anything could have the same affect as ministry on building someone's spiritual maturity. That's until I got married.

On its best days, marriage serves as the everyday practice ground for cultivation Christian virtue. In the honeymoon phase you develop this ideal picture of your spouse's character. That picture is way more flattering and impressive than the actual person; but, if the couple is loving committed to each other then there is this drive to live up to the ideal image created for you.

I've been married less than two months, and already I feel like I have to be better than I am. I can't slink off into the next room and sulk when I feel offended or frustrated. It's not fair to use the silent treatment as punishment, and it's not right to always play the victim card.

Not that we're having many arguments as newlyweds. 99% of the time we're still grossly in love and perfectly happy. However, being married means that I'm always being watched, and conversely, I'm always watching someone else. It's like having a live in accountability partner, but I suppose people who have been married more than ten minuets already know this.

Yet, on marriage's even better days, when you fail to live up to that wonderful person whom your spouse believes you to be, they are there to forgive you, and hold you, and maybe even let you be a little petty. They will encourage you to be better, but never lord it over you when you are not.

On it's even better days, marriage is where we have the a thousand opportunities to live like Jesus, to love like Jesus, and to forgive like Jesus. We are able to build each other up into the loving ideal we know that can be, but grace always covers us in the moments we can't measure up. Jesus loves all of us in just such a way. He knows we can be better and do better. But when we fail to live faithfully, he stands with open arms ready to forgive.

July 19, 2017July 22, 2017

Why I took my husband’s name, but understand why others don’t do the same

I know it’s a long title, but I wanted to get the message across. (Also, in full honesty, the paperwork hasn’t come back yet so legally my name hasn’t changed. )

I’m at a point in my life where a lot of my friends are getting married.

Thankfully, we live in an age that doesn’t assume any real tradition about weddings or marriage. Marriage and weddings used to be so uniform, but today a marriage can freely serve as the creative expression of a couple in living out their respective callings in Christ.

Before I got married, I was grateful for every person who asked me if I intended to change my name. Their questions acknowledge that it was a difficult choice to make, and that it was indeed a choice that could be made. I didn’t have to make the change, and I know many women who have elected not to change their name.

I respect and celebrate any woman who chooses not to change their surname. There are many reasons why someone would choose to keep their “maiden” name. Some element of it is about a woman’s freedom and independence. For some women, they choose to keep their name because so much of their identity is bound up in that title. This identity may be sentimental or it may be financial. A person’s name can become so iconic for them it may prove detrimental to their career to change their name.

My hesitancy was really bound up in my love for my family, and the honor our family maintains. I’ve had the name Hawkins my whole life, and it carries more meaning for me than my first name because it is associated with an extended community unit.

Although I have family who do not share the same surname as I do, there is something unifying about being surrounded by a bunch of people who share your name. Members of the Hawkins clan even wear the family crest in signet rings and pendants in the style of a Game of Thrones dynasty.

I am the first person in my family to lose the Hawkins name, or at least the surname, and that’s hard.

Names are important therefore name changes are also important. I decided to take on my husband’s surname for two reasons.

The first is simple, William asked. He has again and again acknowledged how difficult it is to let go of one name for another, and his honest support has made me view my name change as a beautiful gift I can give to him. As I considered the issue while we were still engaged, I knew it was the best wedding gift I could ever give him, and it would demonstrate my love for him.

The other reason I chose to change my name is because name changes are consistently markers of spiritual change in the Bible. Simon became Peter, Abram became Abraham, Sari became Sarah.*

Perhaps my favorite story of God changing someone’s name is when Jacob’s name is changed to Israel. When Jacob wrested with the divine character in Genesis 32, he was seeking a blessing or good things to come his way. In response, the divine figure both wounded and blessed Jacob, and gave him a new name to reflect his relationship with God. His name went from being Jacob which means “grab by the heal” to Israel which means “wrestles with God.” That name went on to be the title used of all the followers of YHWH in the Old Testament.

In that moment, the relationship between Jacob and YHWH shifted dramatically. The relationship became much more familiar. In a very real sense, the name Israel or “wrestles with God” did not just became a characterization for how Jacob interacted with God, but it reflects how all the faithful people interact with God. The people of God don’t just worship and serve God; they wrestle with God through the good times and bad. They ask for blessings and sometimes feel wounded. They are engaged in a real, honest relationship in which identity is always on the line.

My new surname is Newkirk which means “new church” in Dutch. In a way, our marriage represents the founding of a new community of faith. Our family is a new little church, faithful to God through times of blessing and times of struggle. I decided to change my name as marker of the new spiritual reality that we are entering into together.

*Saul/Paul was not a name change per se but the names used by the apostle when in different ethnic groups, Hebrew/Greek respectively.

June 16, 2014June 16, 2014

Navigating Conflict

Exploring conflict management technics has been a kind of pass time for me. Last year I led an educational session for managing conflict within organizations. Many of us run for cover at the first sign of an agrument, and I used to be one of those people. Others run into conflict headlong, looking to plant their flag on whatever they consider to be the moral highgound, refusing to budge.

Now, it should be obvious that the best method lies somewhere in the middle. During any conflict, it’s best to give any extreem a wide birth. But there’s more we should keep in mind when neavigatinge conflict.

Conflict it isn’t necessarily bad. That’s right, conflict within any relationship or organization is not necessarily an indication of sickness. Just the opisite, we experience conflict because that which was once in agreement between two or more people is now in dispute. These disputes arise because we differ in our understanding of the situation. We differ because we have either grown in our understading, or we are exploring a new a facet of the relationship we have yet to explore. In either situation, we are demonstrating that our relationship is experiencing growth. It means we are different that we were before.

Nevertheless, if we do not address conflict in a timely manner it will eat away at our organizations and relationships until they are unreparable.

There are lots of excellent guides for navigating conflict, but good conflict resolution skills are developed through practice. The success of our churches, careers, friendships and family relationships depend on our ability to do conflict well.

For more resources on conflict resolution check my Prezi which uses cartoon characters as teaching tools.